Movie: Buffy Goes to IOU

by GR "Maya" Cogman

I may have got a little carried away on this one. Ah well.

Narrator : There comes a time, in every girl's life, when she must face the greatest of challenges.

<scene>

Buffy poses with stake, flanked by Willow, Xander, and Giles, against misty background of graveyard.

</scene>

Narrator : University.

<scene>

The Pent, on a sunny day. Buffy, Willow, and Xander stand beneath an arch with the letters IOU embossed upon it, looking froshling-like and cute. Characters from previous In Nomine films mill past them, and get paid huge fees for this brief continuity appearance.

</scene>

Narrator : But is University ready for her?

<scene>

The Team, all in sports uniform, run screaming from some unknown menace on the pitch.

</scene>

Narrator : She's got the best of the past...

<scene>

Giles eyes the ArchDean, who is in her traditional white leather miniskirt, from across the table. "Madam. We appear to have very different definitions of the duties of a librarian. My definition involves being fully clothed." He twitches his glasses, nervously.

</scene>

Narrator : ... and the best of the future...

<scene>

Buffy and Xander peer into a gleaming computer lab.

Buffy : "I'm worried. Willow hasn't come out of there in two days."

Xander : "Should we go in there after her?"

Buffy : (pauses) "Well, we could throw in a burger and some fries from a safe distance."

</scene>

Narrator : ... but there's trouble in the present.

<scene>

A blond woman explains to a dark man, in the cafeteria, "I'm a Seraph. We don't _get_ vampire bites." She rubs at a small plaster on her neck.

</scene>

<scene>

Buffy eyes a timetable. "Science, yeah, cheerleading, yeah, compulsory sword practice... _Giles_! Who drew up this thing?"

</scene>

<scene>

ArchDean, in a cool fury, to a squad of fairly obvious Malakim in mufti, "I ask you to do one simple little thing. Remove the prophesied avatar of Saminga." She waves a sheaf of paper. "Should I remind you that this will go on your performance reviews? And _who_ ate my donuts?"

</scene>

Narrator : It's not easy, being a woman...

<scene>

Buffy dangles by one ankle from the hand of someone big, burly, and blond - yes, it's the Archangel David in a corporeal Vessel - and flails at him with a stake.

David : "Needs work on the backhand."

</scene>

<scene>

Willow, sitting at the computer, with a crowd of body-by-Andre Lilim leaning over her shoulders. One says, eagerly, "Look, if you can get us the latest photos of him from the Sword Website, we'll all owe you one..."

</scene>

<scene>

Blond Seraph from earlier scene is carried off over the shoulder of a vampire, beating on its back with her fists. "I'm a Seraph of Dominic! You can't do this to me!"

</scene>

Narrator : ... but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

<scene>

Buffy gives a blank-eyed and clutching Xander a straight uppercut.

</scene>

<scene>

Willow : (in tones of horror) "What do you mean, Saminga's not on the Internet?"

</scene>

<scene>

ArchDean, to Buffy, "So you want to be a Slayer. No problems there. Any particular specialisations?"

</scene>

Narrator : It's a countdown to midnight.

<scene>

Giles, in the library, waving several heavy books, "It only happens once every thousand years. All the clocks on the Clock Tower strike midnight at the same moment. The forces of Hell are unleashed, the avatar of Saminga strides forth, vampires swarm the living."

</scene>

<scene>

One female vampire to another, in a misty graveyard : "So how many Malakim do we need for this sacrifice?"

</scene>

<scene>

Buffy, to Malakite, "You're an angel?"

Malakite, preening slightly, "It shows, doesn't it."

Buffy, frowning, "Yeah. Nobody else gets _that_ retro."

</scene>

Narrator : And when the clock strikes twelve...

<scene>

Buffy acrobatically fighting a mess of vampires.

</scene>

<scene>

Giles frantically flipping through the pages of a book, as some big squishy shadow falls across him.

</scene>

<scene>

Xander and Willow looking confident. Xander saying to a group which clearly has several celestial participants, "We're used to handling the supernatural. Just let us take care of this."

</scene>

<scene>

Gabrielite cheerleader practice, with green fluffy pompoms, in the gymnasium. "SMITE SMITE SMITE!"

</scene>

<scene>

Buffy dangling from rope and pitons, halfway up the clock-tower. The hands are close to midnight on all the clocks.

</scene>

Narrator : ... everything stops.

<scene>

ArchDean, surveying class which includes a bored Buffy, Willow, and Xander.
"But nothing excuses late library books."

</scene>

IN NOMINE : BUFFY GOES TO IOU

Voiceover from Buffy : "So, what does the O stand for already?"

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